For those of you who don't know who he is, he makes absolutely horrible games and has one of the most ridiculously overinflated egos I've ever seen.
While The You Testament is much more well known, I've been inspired to play one of his earlier titles by this topic over on Bay12. Hard Time is set in a prison of the FUTURE with shorter but way more brutal sentences. And by shorter I mean a one to two months, yeah... doesn't make much sense to me either.
Enough of my talking, Onwards To The Game!
I haven't even got the damn thing installed yet and it's already doing it's best to annoy me and I haven't even played it yet.
Despite a strong desire to hit cancel I unchecked all the boxes and continued with the installation.
Welcome to he- I mean the game. See that huge MDickie logo? For some reason he felt the need to plaster that thing all over the damn place.
I don't know why he bothered because, as much as I'd like too, I'm not going to forget who made this.
First thing I have to do is throw together a character. Since I'm sure most of you are from Bay12 I'll try to make the closest thing to a dwarf I can.
Sadly this is as low as the height will go, I guess he's just a really tall dwarf.
I pump all my points into strength, I'm going to be cheating like crazy during this so it doesn't really matter.
But now comes the important part, what am I in for?
Well apparently a true dwarf hates children, so I'm going with that.
And now to pick the perfect dwarfy face. Hmmm, no, not that one.
This one's even worse. I really hope I don't have to scroll through all these faces.
It is... perfection.
There's no real way to capture that true dwarven stoutness, so I've made him fat instead.
I also decided to throw on a pair of sunglasses for a couple reasones.
One, it makes him look bad ass, and two, it covers up the fact that he has these weird disembodied eyebrows.
And with my work complete it's time for Urist's court date.
But first it's time for a loading screen! And yes, his name is on every one of them. I'll go digging in the files later to see if I can fix that.
Behold, the judge! I've covered everybody's suits in those weird clown dot things in an effort to make things a little more jovial. I also stained their hands in the blood of the innocent, wouldn't want things to get too lighthearted.
MDickie apparently decided that he's important enough to stick his name in the court room flanked by a pair of American flags. I've taken the liberty of defacing his name and replacing the flags with something more appropriate.
Nice title drop there.
Bobo, you have failed me for the last time. And yes, I know my jury of peers came out a little glitchy. But I really don't care enough to fix it.
And here we are, prison. One of the wardens gives me the rundown.
I think I have something to take care of first.
Time to score my first kill, but I'm going to need a weapon.
This meat cleaver I found laying on the ground should do the job. No, I don't know what it was doing there either.
While I'm at it I top off my stats, I'll refrain from screwing around with my money or reputation.
The warden interrupts our duel to the death to ask me what I'm doing with a meat cleaver.
I would have thought it was obvious what I'm doing with it.
The funny part is that I'm not even holding it right now, the warden punched me while he was getting up and I dropped it.
The AI is too stupid to notice this though. I still tell him it's mine out of principal though.
With our argument out of the way I go back to killing him.
The NPCs in this game can be ridiculously tough, this one didn't go down until I lopped off an arm.
I went ahead and smacked him a few more times just to be sure though.
Oh, good, wouldn't want things to get too boring around here.
That really is a crappy way to word that.
I make my way to the workshop, for some reason I need to pass through the study to get to it.
I figure it's out of the way enough that I should be safe there, besides I can usually find or make some weapons there.
Ahhh, this is the drug den. Good to know.
Inside the workshop I run into the first of many "dear friends". AI relationships being basic at best I'll be seeing this message quite a lot.
Well I suppose I'd better kill him too before I can search the room.
I tried grabbing something to bash his head in, but for some reason grabbing certain items will cause your character to stop and stare at it like an idiot for about five seconds. The AI will of course show no mercy during that time.
Once again the fight is interrupted so the warden can whine at me, you would not believe how much that happens.
I spot a screwdriver on a nearby shelf and grab it, this causes the aforementioned idiot stare.
After a good stabbing session the warden offers me money to stop, I of course except.
Sadly, unlike an inmate, after a bribe a warden will go right back to punching me in the face.
Before I can finish him off though, everything starts exploding. And then that asshole punched me in the face.
I reward him by stabbing him about fifty times, and oh how I wish that was an exaggeration.
You see, if I go down there's a 50/50 chance I'll get right back up, and it seems that applies to the NPCs as well.
Despite the fight taking place with nobody else around everybody knows about it anyway.
Oh, hello there.
I'd just like to point out that he grabbed me before the camera had finished moving back from the loudspeaker, so I had zero time to react.
To be fair he WAS in a bad mood, even though I was the reason for it.
If you look closely you can see that Urist is the one saying that. I like to imagine that Urist just blurts that out and the judge goes, sure, why not?
And it seems the judge knows I did it, but he hates cowards more than violence. Way to represent the justice system there Dickie.
And the game notices I killed that guy, considering that giving into my bloodlust is the only way for me to make it through this game I'm sure I'll be seeing that quit a bit.
Behold! Cutting edge interaction! And yes, they will say the same, damn, thing, every time I get off.
Well at any rate, it's lights out time so I make my way to my cell.
Remember how I said relationships are basic? Yeah, I wasn't kidding. This guy interrupts me with the exact same "best friend" speech from earlier.
I refrain from picking a fight with him, as for some reason the game lags like crazy in the cell blocks.
Enjoy your glimpse into the cell block as I'll be doing my best to avoid it from now on.
In fact I think I'll just kill whoever guards the infirmary and sleep there from now on.
Morning comes and I make my way to the workshop again to see if there's anything I can use there now.
And this is the generic "I got off warden response." I'll be seeing this a few hundred times. For your sake I'll be skipping over most of them.
Once in the workshop I find some tnt on the shelf, must be left over from that terrorist attack.
Huh, I wonder what this turns into?
Oh, it's just a sword. Nothing weird about that.
Well, I think I have the perfect person in mind to test this on.
But that will have to wait for next time.
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